It’s been a beautiful day here in Cornwall but to say today has gone well would be a fucking lie.

On the first day of sunshine in ages I figure I’ll go for a bracing sea cliff walk and a dip in the sea before starting work. I should have known something was not right when I step in some dog shit.

I knew that I had stepped in dog shit as I’m wearing flip flops and some flicks up onto my wrist. Nice.

The path is really muddy and I start regreting my optimistic flip flops. Coming back down the hill, I stop just before the really muddy bit and spot a path up the side of the bank around some behind some tree trunks. Ah! I think. How clever I am to spot this path.

Negiotating this steep brown track, I slip – right on my arse. Thump. I walk the rest of the way back with a big brown mud patch on my arse smelling slightly of dog shit.

Back on Gylly beach I take of my muddy trousers and I realise – shit – my pockets are empty – I’ve lost my phone.

I plan to jump in the sea to cool off – dash back to the house, drive back to Swanpool; the nearest point where the road meets the coast path and have a look. It is bound to be on the floor near where I fell.

I strip down to my new bikini. New and free with Elle. One size fits all they said. One size reveals all they should have said. I dive into the sea in the ‘Itfreezingletsgetthisoverwith’ manouver. The bikini bottoms peel of and roll up down my thighs and my bikini top peels off and twists over. So I have to stay a moment longer in the bracing sea to re-organise myself.

But after I got out the sea, home, into new clothes, into the car, back to Swanpool and back along the path, it was nowhere to be seen.

The good news is that my contract was due for renewal on the 26th – so I don’t have to pay a months rental for a phone I don’t have. The bad news is that the insurance I’d been paying every month for the last year, that I had just cancelled cos I was just about to get a new phone ran out yesterday.

So, even though the rest of the day improved somewhat, think it is safe to say – fucking lie.


  1. Good grief. What a miserable series of events!

  2. I recommend buying a magazine with free bag, you could use one to carry useless free bikini and phone in for next cliff walk 🙂 x

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